Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Randomize
