this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
