so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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