Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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