I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
