it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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