You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
