I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
