I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
