Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
