he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
