my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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