update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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