Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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