Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
