i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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