One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
