Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
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you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.