She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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