I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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