if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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