Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
