I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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