someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
