Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
