The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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