Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
