Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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