gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
