6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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