I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
