dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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