this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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