I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
