I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How's work?
Spinning.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
