i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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