it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
