I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
