I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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