We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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