I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
