you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
