he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The adults are the big ones right?
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