i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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