So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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