When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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