So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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