my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this just has baby written all over it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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