why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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