I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
