I just found a bag of teeth...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
how drunk are you?
Several
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
