There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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