wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize